19th February 2016:
“I’m wonderstruck, blushing all the way home…”
I’ve made a decision. Tomorrow I say something…I still don’t know if I’ll carry it through or even have the right opportunity. But it’s time.. I need to say what’s been on my mind for months, maybe even a year. There’s this guy I’ve met a few times, no more times than I can count on two hands. But those few times have been all it’s taken to become enchanted by him. I work with his Mum and the things I’ve heard, the stories she tells and the insights only a mother can share have intrigued me even more.
I want to get to know him. I want to talk to him and hear his stories for myself. I want to stare at his grin a little longer than I usually can. I want to ask about his travels and tell him about my wanderlust too. I want to compare everything we love and dance to and think about. And who knows, maybe my gut is right. Or maybe I’m wrong. But all I know is, life is too short. You never know these things unless you try. And searching high and low for Mr Right may never work out if he’s been stood right in front of you to begin with…
He’s back in the country after this weekend and if I don’t say something now I’m not sure I ever will. The first thing and most important thing to know about me is that I’m a hopeless romantic.
So here goes…Wish me luck.. God knows I need it 🙈💘😊
20th July 2016:
17th December 2016:
20th January 2017:
I always was one for hesitating and making double sure. And now? Well, we’re meeting up next week for coffee.
Sometimes things take longer than you expected them to. Sometimes you have to dig even deeper than you thought possible for just one ounce courage to take that first step. And sometimes jumping feet first into the unknown is less scary than never saying anything at all.
A few years and a whole lot of almost’s later, I got myself here. For that coffee. For a few hours. For a chance to see if it really will be everything I imagined.
And if all goes well? Maybe, just maybe, I’ll have the chance to tell him how enchanted I was to meet him…
Wish me luck x
25th January 2017:
Today was the day. I met him for that coffee (or in my case two teapots worth of tea in a bid to calm my nerves). I’ve never known my stomach flip so much over a mere meeting with a human. I’d happily take a gruelling job interview than do that again. But once we got past that part? It was lovely. I truly mean that. Part of me is feeling like I can relax a little now, after all, the first step is the very worst! We spoke about funny stories, family, adventure, religion and jokes. I’ll certainly suggest meeting up again, and if we do I’ll certainly be more myself too – the calmer, more relaxed version anyway!
Before we met, I had just got a new tattoo: in short it’s a constellation, symbolising the universe itself and all it’s stars and meanings, and a Pale Blue Dot (see Carl Sagan’s quotes), symbolising our very own planet, a mere pale blue dot in the vastness that is everything else. Looking at it, it was a fitting day to get it done. In the grand scheme of everything, all my worry and anxiety about this day and getting to know him, pales in comparison to all that has been before me and all that stretches ahead. And maybe the universe itself has its plans for where all this leads, whether it be nowhere or somewhere magical. And you know what… I’m happy with where I am in this journey. Right here, right now.
2nd March 2017:
Time can change everything. A year, 6 months, or a moment can seem like a lifetime ago. Today was one of those “who’d have thought it” moments, one when you want to stop time dead just to see how far you’ve come. Today was a day to be myself, let go a little more, go someplace beautiful with someone I’ve been wanting to know.
A castle, a maze, one moment of fear and even more moments of calm. It could be the start of something special but either way, I know I’ve grown the past few weeks. From someone who walked with their fears and reservations rather than their dreams, into someone who has bitten the bullet when she’s not yet entirely sure who it is that’s holding the gun. Love may not be the answer or the end goal, though what a lovely intention that would be, but whatever it is that’s making my heart a little lighter and my head a little clearer is something I’m willing to chase a little while longer.
8th April 2017:
You’ve taken a break from life this week. I’d like to do that too sometimes. I often joke about fleeing to a remote Scottish island, accessible only by boat, where I can see the stars and hear nothing but waves. In reality I would if I could. A close second would be to follow your lead and get in a car, head north, and get away from people for a little while. And that’s another thing I admire about you. Your sense of adventure, your ability to do what you need to do, your sense of freedom and space. It’s funny because after all these months I’ve spent slowly getting to know you, to start to fall a little bit in love with you, now I’m scared.
I’m not scared of you… I think I’m scared of love. I don’t know why but every so often in between the joy and anticipation I get scared. And it’s crazy right? Isn’t this exactly what I wanted? Because a year ago I would have done anything to say I had spent time with you, to look at my phone and see I had your number, and for you to ask me how my week has been. Yet even so, I’m terrified and of what I don’t really know. But I don’t want to run away from you on account of being scared. Not now, not after all this time getting here.
Sometimes the things that scare us the most are the things we truly need. Change is scary and for me this is the biggest change to stare adult me in the face. Sometimes our fear isn’t a fear of danger but a fear of losing the thing we want standing right in front of us. So I’ll be scared and I’ll be nervous but I’ll remember why I started this, whatever this is. Love has to start somewhere. And I’m not so scared that I won’t do everything I can to see it through.
15th May 2017:
We met up again recently, a bank holiday afternoon. We joked and walked and I tried my very best to show you who you’re really spending your time with. But nerves and my reservation continue to get the better of me. And I want to change that, of course I do. I want to break the ice – no – the Iceberg. I want to get to that part where I’m more excited than anxious and more than absolutely anything, more open to enjoying every minute of this. Because despite all the scary parts I am enjoying it. I’ve been feeling a little insecure lately – am I doing this right? Should I say that? Am I being too pushy? – I’m being the over analytical person I said I’d never be. So with some helpful advice I’ve calmed down and I know it’s only scary because I’ve never done anything like this before. It’s the greatest leap into the unknown for a hopeless romantic is it not? Because it has the potential to be the biggest, but best, change I’ve been impatiently waiting for.
And meanwhile, I’m starting to quite like the way you sometimes find yourself in my everyday thoughts…
Who knew that when I see a world map, my eyes would flicker to wherever you have travelled. That every time I see a white car pass my heart would skip a little, and practically jump though my chest if the roof was black too. That when I hear a police siren in the distance I wonder if it’s you. That when I listened to my old favourite songs they would feel brand new all over again. That hearing your name out loud sounds different to any name I’ve ever heard before. That suddenly everything in the world seems different just because I know you…
13th August 2017:
A day out in the treetops, some lost dignity (on my part), forfeited man-points (on his part)… and several leaps of faith. “Why did I let you talk me into this?” he asked as he looked down at the forest floor beneath our feet. I laughed it off, finding it hard to not reply with “Why did I let you into my life?” Because I guess that’s where you are now. In my life! It still feels strange to think back to last summer, a time before I knew you were afraid of heights, before I knew you have more than one zombie apocalypse survival plan, and before I knew you are a lot more serious about life than maybe I gave you credit for. After, with my messed up hair and mud on your face, I sat opposite you and for the first time I noticed you had brown eyes. I’ve been too scared to look before.
I still don’t know where this is going, not for sure. But I do know one thing now. If he’s destined to be in my life next year, he will be. When everyone else tells me it’s going too slow, that they would have moved onto someone else by now, I smile, but don’t agree. I don’t feel that love requires a timeline. Love just is. And it’ll still be there, even stronger perhaps, when we’re both ready. And only me and you get to decide when that is, if it is, not the rest of the world. Placing expectation on something that hasn’t even been established yet is the very thing that will kill it. Some good friends and family have helped guide me to this point and I’m thankful for the hours of advice they’ve invested… it’s wonderful to have cheerleaders in your corner. But sometimes their vision of what is right and wrong when it comes to dating threatens to cloud my own judgement. A weight was literally lifted off my shoulders when I realised I can allow my life to follow it’s own path, according to my heart, without listening to what others would do – however well meaning they are.
I can’t wait to see where this goes. I can’t wait to see him again. And I can’t wait to see if there’s more adventures to be had. All without fear that it will end one day. Because all we truly have is right here and now. Maybe happiness is the journey i’m on with him, even if I’m not sure where we’re going.
10th December 2017:
Here’s the scary part of the story, the make or break, the point of no return… because there’s a hell of a lot more I need to say to you.
We met up just before my birthday, back in October. A cup of tea in that coffee shop we first met, and then to the cinema. I bought a ‘congratulations’ card for your new house which I gave it to you as we said goodbye. I told you about the gig in Nottingham I had just been to, and you told me about your plans to decorate your house. But then you did it again and threw me off course, although only for a second. We got talking about relationships and I swore I saw the mischief in your eyes as you asked me what I thought of pre-nuptials before marriage. A difficult question for some and I’m sure it was your way of sussing me out. But you just happened to be asking me one of the things that I’ve had answers to for years. See, I’ve been planning for these moments. When you’re alone, you have time to think… and time to prepare.
You’re becoming a permanent feature in my life. A constant in the background that I’m growing to like. I keep finding you in the strangest of places. Under a willow tree. In the bottom of a sugar bowl. Inside every passing white car. Beside a steamed up library window. The truth is, you fit so easily in all of those places. It’s like they were made for you, and left lying around for me to find. Love used to be like watching the city lights and car headlamps through a steamed up window. I could never quite make it out. But when I think of you, it’s like a small circle clear of breath has been rubbed away and the skyline is glittering clearer than before. Like when you put on your glasses and everything comes into focus. That’s what love looks like to me now you’re here.
And that’s why I need to say something. Maybe the festive season will trick me into the truth, maybe the change of the New Year will give me the confidence I need. But somehow, someday soon, I need to tell you how I feel.
To be continued…