Insecure honesty.

Here goes, a blog post I’ve been thought about for a few hours before deciding to write. Should I be so honest? Is social media the right place to be saying thoughts I’ve only ever thought in my own mind? Well, sod it. Turns out I am saying them. If only to get them out of my head for a little while.

Insecurity. We can all probably admit we feel it sometimes. Bad hair days. Our physical flaws. Our annoying but acceptable quirks that we laugh about and willingly let our friends and family point out. But there’s another kind of insecurity and it’s born out of much deeper things. It’s the kind of insecurity that actually convinces you that maybe you’re not as worthy as those around you. That there’s something intrinsically unlovable about you, compared to everyone else on the planet, or so it seems. And yes, it seems far fetched because we all know, “someone out there loves you” right? And after all, we do have people in our lives that we believe really do love us unconditionally. Our family for example. Or our cat. But when you’re in this spiral, there are some things that make some of us feel pretty damn worthless. And trust me, I don’t want to feel this way when it hits and I curse and berate myself for doing so. But none the less, it’s real to me in that moment.

Scenario: Have you ever been sat with friends and a cute guy walks past. Everyone is checking them out, a few of the more confident ones in the group may make wolf whistles. Everyone laughs. You simply raise your eyebrows in agreement or throw a flirty look their way yourself (attempt to anyway). And BAM. There it is. Sometimes a comment from someone around you “ooooooh, XXXX likes XXXX”. You blush. Other times it’s throwaway comments about your attempt at flirting. And something about their tone makes you think… Why were they saying that to me? They didn’t say it to the others when they made eyes at the same person just seconds before me? And then the insecurity naturally falls over you like a cold shower. “It’s because it’s me isn’t it… It’s something of a joke that I may fancy someone. That I may think I have a chance (I don’t) with someone they obviously know I can’t get”. And I know why I’ve had those thoughts. It happens when you’re the one in a group by the bar that no one approaches. Friends come home with numbers, others share eye contact (cue Friends quote: I hope you used protection).. you get my drift. And it’s never YOU. You will have gone out looking confident in your new dress and feeling like Beyoncé, not even a thought to compare yourself to your friends you love dearly. But at the end of the night you’re searching in the mirror and lying in bed trying to find the reasons no one even looked in your direction. It’s an Always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride syndrome.

Scenario: Have you ever been sidelined and overshadowed in conversations so many times since you were a shy child that you start to believe that the people you’re with are actually better than you could ever dream of being? Your opinions and stories (funny as they are in your opinion) just never go down quite as well as theirs. And that’s after its taken you years to be confident and speak up. It’s their house everyone wants to meet at, not yours. The company you keep is amazing and you probably wouldn’t ever trade it, but being around big characters is exhausting when you aren’t able to shine in your own right. There’s never real put downs, god no. I wouldn’t allow myself to stay around people who do that. But there are situations that make you feel inferior and whether it’s in my head or not (and I’m under no illusion it is) its happening an awful lot lately. And making me more insecure by the minute. Waaaah.

I hope you’ve been able to bear with me. It sounds crazy, it sounds paranoid and insecure – and more importantly I KNOW it is. And it’s not all the time! I’ve enjoyed many a night out and situations without so much as thinking of what people are thinking about me. It’s important to remember that you can contradict yourself. It’s okay to feel differently at different times of the day, let alone year. But when scenarios like that do happen, and meanwhile your love life looks about as promising as organising a piss up for a recovering alcoholic, it’s a hard thing to shake off. Some feelings and emotions are neither right or wrong, it’s how we deal with them that counts. We are allowed to feel insecure. It’s human and it’s unavoidable. But letting it ruin social events in particular and worse creep into your friendships, is dangerous. Being confident enough in your own self is way more important that getting these little moments of attention you think you deserve. Self confidence should be taught from a young age because I sure could use it in my 20’s! I’m going to take this as a wake up call and do my very best to remember next time something like that happens, I’m worthy of the same things as anyone else. And when I don’t get it, it’s not a reflection of my character. It’s just not meant for me.

It’s only recently dawned on me how often I feel this way and that’s why I’ve come to the conclusion now it has to stop. I also quietly hope I’m not alone. Here’s to working on my own confidence, being less of a wallflower (I LOVE that film!) and realising the potential and purpose I know deep down exists in me

Love, Suzy.

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