Too much.

Through various stages of my life i’ve always felt “too much” of something. When I started school and for every year I stayed I was “too quiet”. Being loud seemed the cool and normal thing to be so when I couldn’t bring myself to outshine my friends, I simply stayed quiet. For a good while I was “too clever” (in other words sensible) until I reached my final school years and many people said I became “too flippant” about my life choices.

Those years also saw me be frequently told I was “too thin”. My slim, but healthy, body shape inherited from my parents just never put on weight the way my friends would complain about, just like the women on TV and the Mum’s at the school gates.

When I left those years behind I was quickly told I was now “too much” of other things. I’m not a big drinker (self confessed lightweight) and nightclubs have always been more daunting to me than a drink in a pub. So “too mundane” became the assumption about my life.

Not too long ago I remember letting my cool go for just a second and mid conversation with friends (and strangers) I exclaimed rather loudly and excitedly about something we were joking about. Much like someone may snort mid laugh. Okay so it was out of my “too quiet” character but suddenly, as insinuated by someone’s slightly patronising comment, I became “too loud”. In an instant, just like that. Zero to one hundred. So feeling mortally embarrassed I shrunk back in my seat and let my friends continue their exaggerated conversation never once thinking they were “too loud” for me.

I know for a fact that should I share many of my thoughts about life and especially, love, with people, that I would soon be considered “too passionate”. Previous experience has well and truly taught me to keep that under wraps! It hasn’t diluted how I feel about things and I am perhaps the most vocal still in my friendships and when writing my little blogs online. But for the most part, publicly at least, I keep it level. Fear of being “too much” for people has made sure I am always to be seen as normal as I can. Which makes finding someone to share any kind of passion with is near impossible. I’m not obsessive, in fact being the daughter of a single Mum i’m very much a Beyoncé-inspired independent kind of girl. But conveying the fact I would very much like to wear my heart on my sleeve is made more difficult by this culture of “too much”.

Well to hell with it, I am too passionate about things and people I care about. I am too quiet but i’m sure my friends and family will tell you I can also be too talkative and at selected times, gasp, even too loud. I am too thin to be a plus size model but i’m also too big to fit a size zero. I’m every “too much” you can imagine and I intend to stay that way.

There comes a point in everyone’s life where you can’t live the same way you always have. And the first step is to stop apologising for being the way you are. As long as you’re a nice person of course otherwise, probably best you check that out. Don’t apologise for being all those things that were once deemed “too much”. Because I’ll tell you now, i’d rather be too much for people than not be enough.

I often think that society puts us into categories to water down our strengths and I don’t buy it. Be you, continue to be you and just to rock the boat.. be as much of everything as you possibly can.

Love, Suzy.

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